The door opens. I enter.
I look at the mirror and try to judge myself as how others would.
I don’t like what I’m seeing.
“Look, you’ll only know your worth if you believe.”
What worth? I don’t even know where to start. I’m losing grip of my dreams. They’re just too far from me now. What’s there to believe in this world? Hatred? Corruption? Competition? Crab-mentality.
“Dreams would always be far, silly. That’s why you need to go and chase them. You can’t keep distancing yourself from what is bound to happen.”
Blah blah. Mutterings, mutterings. You think you understand me don’t you?
“The world is also filled with happiness, with fun, relaxation, friends, people who love you, like me.”
As if you’re enough. Do you still not understand?
“How will I understand if you don’t tell me?”
Will you stop? You think the world’s so easy to deal with because everyone likes you. Everyone believes in you. Everyone knows you’re great. They see you like that. And they’re giving all support to you because they know you’re bound for so much more. And you know this. You keep telling me you don’t deserve any of it but you still have it – support, family, dreams, future.
You fail to see me.
This has got to be the single greatest problem I would probably have – myself. And yes, I know you’re tired. You’ve been hearing this from me since day one. That’s how I got to you remember? That’s why you’re here.
“You know that’s not true.”
“You are so much more than this.”
No I am not. And you only have words. Well guess what, your words aren’t enough.
“They will be if you let them.”
You’re not my mom! So stop lecturing me!
Ah. Who am I kidding? I don’t even listen to my mom. All I do is contradict everything you say. Maybe that’s because I’m no good. I’ve no place in this world.
I’m a useless piece of ***T.
I’m a nobody.
“Everyone is. Everyone starts as nobodies. Einstein wasn’t instantly labeled as the world’s genius. Or the top student in your class right now did not even excel when she was in third grade. It’s all about turning your life around and having good control over it.”
I feel the hard metal that has always been in my pocket. My grandfather gave this to me as a present. He told me to always bring it around just in case I needed it – for protection. This Swiss knife got me through a lot of late night walks and escapades from my house when I feel like running away. This moment is calling for it.
“I know what you’re doing. Please stop. I am here to help you. This isn’t the solution.”
You know nothing! All you do is put the blame on me! It’s time I put things in my own hands! It’s time I put a stop to this madness. You are not helping me at all! You know nothing about my story. You know nothing about how hard it is to live alone and to keep working only to find out that at the end of the day, it’s always just me. Just me and no one else. What am I doing this for? Did you know that my mother suffered hell in the hospital before they turned off the ventilator?? Without my permission! I never said they could do it! I never said they could euthanize her! Did you know that?? No. Of course not. Because you are one selfish trash.
“You are worthy of achieving everything you want and deserve in this life.”
My father told me to never give up. But he did. I can’t believe he did. I don’t even know where my life is heading.
I pull out the Swiss knife from my back pocket and reveal the sharp, newly shaped little knife in it.
“What are you planning to do? End your life? Are you serious?? You think this is the best way you can end all this? Don’t you realize that you can get out of this phase in your life? You can overcome this; come out stronger! You just have to believe.”
Enough of this drama. I’ve had enough of it!
I turn to hurt her and kill her. I want to live in peace. I want to escape. I want all of this to end. The pain is unbearable. It’s unimaginable. What is there to live for anyway? Money? Riches? Power? Authority?
What about family? What about love? What are care and support and the comfort of a harmonious home?
NOTHING. NOWHERE. NEVER. EVER.
I’m here to –
TOK TOK TOK
~Housekeeping! Anybody in there?
Y-y-yes… I’m still here.
~It’s time for me to clean now, ma’am. If it’s okay to…
Oh. Yeah. Sure.
The door reopens and I enter. To the other side.
I’ll get you next time.