Time travel. Let me just make things clear – those bullshit you see on tv? Literal bullshit.

First of all, you can only travel through a timeline where you already exist in. So that Back To The Future shindig is total bull. Oh, god, the look on your face right now is hilarious! Fucked up your expectations, did I?

Oh, stop complaining. What’re you gonna do, chill with the dinosaurs? Jesus. Yeah, only in a timeline where you already exist in.

Of course that’s how it is, man! Matter just can’t spontaneously exist, geez! So those conundrums like what’ll happen if you kill you dad before he and your mom fornicated or whatever, those are jabberwocky. You can’t magically appear out of nowhere!

The hell are you talking about atoms and teleportation? Not the same principle, man! We’re not just traveling through space here. This is space-time we’re talking about. Unless the atoms of your body can travel as fast as the speed of light or faster, then fine. Maybe it’ll be possible to jump that far with your body. But that means things’ll have to be perfect; all your atoms should travel. All of ‘em. Fuck it if you jump then you’re missing a liver. Or you jump to kill your dad and your gastrointestinal tract is going backwards. You’re gonna have an ass for a mouth! Hahah!

So yeah. Sorry, man. Only to the timeline you already exist in.

Oh, and if you wanna stay within this dimension, you gotta jump forwards. People just can’t get their heads wrapped around the fact that you can’t change the past in one particular timeline. Wake up, people! Time is a river that flows in one direction. And that ain’t backwards.

I mean, yeah, you can. Don’t get me wrong, one can do that. But going back in time means you gotta go to a parallel universe.

Kill myself? Like, go back in time and duel with myself like a fucking idiot? No, man. You can’t do that. You can’t meet yourself. Told you, man, matter can’t spontaneously exist outta nowhere.

Let’s just say that when you go back to another timeline, you’re you. Like, your soul possesses your alternate universe body. Wait, I think it’d be more accurate if I said mind. Yep, your mind possesses your alternate universe brain. Oh god, did I learn that the hard way. I flunked this French test and so I remembered the questions, memorized the answers, then went back. Couldn’t remember a fucking thing. Like my mind lost those bits of new info while traveling. The questions were familiar but still didn’t know the answers.

My biggest fuck up was when I jumped to the time when I was born. Must have been high as a fucking kite because I thought it’d be cool to see the baby version of me emerging out of my mom’s vagina. Whatever you do man, don’t fucking do that. You have to live your own life from scratch. Or your conscious life, anyway. Plus it’s pretty disgusting.

Forwards, baby. Always forwards.

When I go back to a different parallel universe it’s always different. I mean yeah, I wouldn’t really notice it right away, but you know. I kinda feel it. Like I remember it one way but then in that timeline it’s always the other. Sometimes I remember having another girlfriend, but my wife says she’s been the only girl in my life. That other one must have been in the timeline before I jumped into my mother’s uterus, I don’t know. All I know is that I hate that feeling. Hate that feeling of things being familiar but you can’t pinpoint what it is.  That’s why I stay within one timeline as much as possible. So forward traveling for me. Or should I say, forward thinking? Hehehe…

How far? As far as I like. When the days are fucked up or boring as hell I always jump. Sometimes a few minutes, sometimes a few hours. It’s like your body’s on autopilot as your mind waves are traveling through space-time. The thing is, you wouldn’t remember what happened during the time you skipped. Let me rephrase that; your conscious mind wouldn’t remember.

Oh shut up, just wing it, man! Context clues. My wife used to get angry with me all the time because I always miss some of the chores she asked me to do. Now I guess she’s used to it; she thinks I’m just being forgetful. What she doesn’t know is that every time she’s nagging, I’m jumping.

There was one time when I jumped too far, though. I was experimenting and shit. Like, what’ll happen if I jump through 20 years? One minute I was in my dorm room, the next I was gasping for air and convulsing. I was strangulating out of my own belt in some dingy apartelle in Chinatown. Fucking Christ, it scared the bejesus out of me. Quickly jumped into another dimension outta there. Whatever fucked up thing that happened between my college self and my pre-death self in that timeline, I do not want to be a fucking part of.

So yeah. Don’t jump too far, else you might wake up inside your coffin. That is, assuming they preserved your brain. ‘Cause if they cremated your ass there wouldn’t be a brain to transfer to and it’s game over for you. Your mind waves will probably just float around or something.

I know, I know. All this is pretty complicated. Why do I do it? Like, why do I keep jumping even though I won’t remember? The key is your subconscious, man!

Your conscious mind jumps, but your subconscious mind keeps track of everything. That’s why I have some residual memory of past interdimensional and future intradimensional shit. I keep a tab on my subconscious. Gotta do some pretty heavy mind exercises for that, though.

Oh, shit, yeah man, that’s right! How’d you know about those exercises? Well I’ll be damned, looks like you’re a jumper, too!

Holy shit I’m not fucking with you, man! I’ve never taught the exercises to anyone else. Not in this timeline, anyway. HAHAHA oh god, man, this is so meta right now, I’m getting chills!

Come on, man! Tell me! Like, have you had any one of those days when you feel like you’re just coasting through life on autopilot and you don’t remember a thing? Or what about those times you experienced some déjà vu?